- 2 Samuel
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18
Absalom Mahke
1 King David line up da army guys dat stay wit him, an pick da ones fo come da leadas fo tousan guys, an fo hundred guys. 2 David broke up his army in three parts. David nephew Joab stay in charge a one part, Joab braddah Abishai in charge a one part, an Ittai da guy from Gat town in charge a one part.
David tell da army guys, “I goin march out wit you guys.”
3 But da army guys tell, “Eh Boss! You betta not go out. If us gotta run away, dat no matta fo da Absalom guys. Even if half a us guys mahke, dat no matta fo dem. Right now, you da one dey like kill, mo den ten tousan a us guys. Mo betta now you help us from inside Mahanaim town.”
4 Da king tell dem, “Kay den. I goin do wat you guys tink az mo betta fo me do.”
So da king stan by da town gate wen da guys march out wit hundreds a guys an tousans a guys. 5 Da king tell Joab, Abishai, an Ittai, “Eh! Go easy on da young guy Absalom cuz a me!” An all da army guys too, hear da king tell da main leadas dey gotta go easy on Absalom.
6 David army guys march out in da country side fo fight da Israel guys. An dey fight um dea, inside da Efraim fores. 7 Ova dea, David guys win ova da Israel army guys, an twenny tousan guys mahke dat time. 8 Dis wat wen happen: Da Israel army guys fight all ova da country side an mo plenny guys mahke cuz da fores eat up mo plenny guys den David army guys wen kill.
9 Absalom spock some a David guys. He stay ride his mule fo run away. But wen da mule go unda da thick branches from one big oak tree, Absalom head come stuck inside da tree branches. He stay hang ova dea cuz his mule stay go an no stop.
10 One a David guys see dat, an he tell Joab, “Eh! I jus now see Absalom stay hanging from one oak tree.”
11 Befo da guy pau tell dat, Joab tell um, “Wot?! You wen see him lidat?! How come you neva wack um down an kill um right den an dea?! Cuz you neva do dat, I no goin give you ten piece silva, an one fancy kine sword belt!”
12 But da guy tell, “Even if dey put tousan piece silva inside my hand, no way I goin hurt da king boy. Cuz all us guys wen hear wen da king tell you an Abishai an Ittai wat you gotta do. He wen tell you, ‘Make shua my boy no mahke!’ 13 But if I kill da king boy—an dass someting I not suppose to do—cuz I figga you no goin stay by me fo help me! But me, I goin mahke cuz no mo nobody can hide notting from da king.”
14 Joab tell, “I no goin wase time lidis fo you.” So he grab three short spear, an go poke Absalom inside da ches wen Absalom still yet stay alive an stay hang from da oak tree branches. 15 An ten a Joab army guys dat carry his body armor make one circle aroun Absalom, wack him some moa, an kill um.
16 Den Joab tell one guy fo blow da sheep horn trumpet, an da army guys come back from chase da Israel guys, cuz Joab tell um fo stop. 17 Dey take Absalom body, throw um inside one big hole undaneat da trees, an pile up plenny rocks on top him. Same time, all da Israel army guys run back home.
18 Befo time, wen Absalom still yet stay alive, he put up one big pos inside King Valley fo da peopo no foget him. Cuz he tink, “I no mo one boy dat can come king an make erybody no foget me.” Az why he name da pos fo him, an da peopo call um da Absalom Monument till today.
David Stay Sore Inside
19 Den Zadok boy Ahimaaz tell, “Let me run to da king! I goin make da king feel good inside wen I tell um dat Da One In Charge wen show dat da king stay right, cuz he win ova a da guys dat wen go agains him.”
20 Joab tell him, “No! You not da right guy fo tell da king good stuff today. You can do um anodda time.” He tell um dat cuz da king boy mahke.
21 Den Joab tell one guy from Sudan dat work fo David, “You go tell da king wat you wen see.” Da Sudan guy go down in front Joab, den he run fo go by David.
22 Ahimaaz, Zadok boy, tell Joab one mo time, “Wateva happen, try let me run fo back up da Sudan guy.”
But Joab tell, “Eh, boy, how come you like run?! Da kine stuff you gotta tell, nobody goin pay you fo dat.”
23 He tell, “Wateva happen, I like run!”
So Joab tell, “Gunfunnit! Den run!” So Ahimaaz cut short aroun thru da flat land nea da Jordan Riva, an come Mahanaim town befo da Sudan guy.
24 David stay sit in da middo a da inside gate an da outside gate. Da watcha guy go on top da roof fo da gate, by da top a da wall. Wen he look, he see one guy dat stay run wit nobody. 25 Da watcha guy yell to da king fo tell um.
Da king tell, “If he stay wit nobody, den he goin tell us good kine stuff.” An da guy come mo an mo nea.
26 Den da watcha guy see anodda guy stay running, so he yell down to da guy dat take kea da gate, “Look, anodda guy stay run wit nobody!”
Da king tell, “Den he goin tell good kine stuff too!”
27 Da watcha guy tell, “Da way how da firs guy run, he run jalike Ahimaaz, Zadok boy!”
Da king tell, “He one good guy. He stay come fo tell good kine stuff.”
28 Den Ahimaaz yell to da king, “Eryting stay good!” He go down in front da king an put his face on top da groun.
29 Da king aks, “Da young guy Absalom, he stay good, o wat?!”
Ahimaaz tell him, “I see erybody donno wat fo do, jus wen Joab stay ready fo sen me an da odda guy dat work fo you. But I donno wat was happening.”
30 Da king tell, “Stan by da side an wait ova hea.” So Ahimaaz go one side an stan ova dea.
31 Right den, da Sudan guy come an tell, “My boss da king, lissen dis good kine stuff! Today, Da One In Charge wen let us win ova all da guys dat wen go agains you!”
32 Da king aks da Sudan guy, “Da young guy Absalom, he stay good, o wat?!”
Da Sudan guy tell, “My boss da king, I like all da guys dat stay agains you, an erybody dat do stuff fo hurt you, come jalike dat young guy!”
33 Da king come all bum out, cuz den he know Absalom mahke. He go up inside da room ova da town gate an cry plenny. Wen he stay going, he tell, “Bummahs! My boy, Absalom! My boy, my boy, Absalom! Mo betta I wen mahke, an not you! Bummahs! My boy, my boy, Absalom!”

- 2 Samuel
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